Barriers: Chapter Seven

January 1988
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"What's all this?" Spencer inquired, brow furrowing as he stared down at the newspaper wrapped box.

Allen tried to refrain from bouncing. He really had to get a handle on that; he wanted to be able to stand still when he was excited, but he just couldn't. He clasped his hands behind his back, fumbling his fingers together. "Open it!"

Spencer eyed him suspiciously. Allen only grinned innocently and started twisting back and forth, keeping his feet firmly planted as the rest of him moved. He couldn't seem to keep still.

Slowly and carefully, Spencer began to tear at the newspaper.

Four months of planning the present, only to find out that he didn't have any wrapping paper. That had sucked. Last night, he'd gone to wrap up the shoebox he'd stashed Spencer's gift in, and had to wander all over the house searching for wrapping paper before finally giving up and just settling on newspaper. Spencer didn't seem to mind, but Allen couldn't keep from feeling guilty.

The newspaper was cleared, and Spencer let it fall to the ground. Allen bent and picked it back up, but waited to throw it away. He wanted to see the look on Spencer's face when he saw what was in the box.

Spencer's jaw dropped as soon as he got the box open. "Jesus Christ! A-Allen! What… why did you spend so much?"

He picked up the little black walkman, gaping at it. He turned it over, then over again, getting a good look at each angle. He ran his fingers along the four buttons on the side, pausing to study the little star next to them. Tapping at the front panel resulted in a click that Allen couldn't decide belonged to plastic or glass.

Only a couple weeks ago, Spencer's old cassette player had broken. Of course, this hindered Allen's gift; the only other tape player Spencer had was in his car, and he didn't spend much time in there, so Allen had to improvise. His solution? A Sony Walkman WM-F41. It wasn't the newest and it wasn't top of the line, but it did what it needed to do, and it hadn't broken his budget. What had broken his budget were the headphones he'd bought to go along with it.

"Do you like it?" Allen asked, almost trembling with excitement.

"'Like it'?" Spencer repeated, eyes wide. "Allen… I love it, but you shouldn't have done all this. It's too much!" He searched around the box some more, uncovering the cassettes. "Did you make these?"

He examined the first tape as Allen nodded.

"Why don't you play one?" he suggested. "Try it out?"

"You're really not gonna take any of this back, are you?" Spencer popped open the walkman and inserted the tape.

"Nope. Don't forget the headphones," he reminded him.

"Got 'em," he mumbled, plugging in the headphones and putting them on.

Allen put his ear to the closest headphone, smiling as the music started. Dead or Alive's 'You Spin Me Round'.

Spencer's face lit up as he heard it. This was one of his very favorites. He listened for about thirty seconds, then paused the music and nudged the headphones down around his neck.

Allen grinned at him, eyes glittering. "Happy birthday."

Spencer caught him in a crushing hug, pressing their cheeks together. "Thank you."
Allen patted his back. "No problem."

"How am I supposed to outdo this?" Spencer asked with a giggle. "There's no way I'll be able to get you something this awesome for your birthday!"

"Don't worry about it," Allen soothed, rubbing his friend's back. "You don't have to get me anything if you don't want to, and you've got a few months to think about it, anyway."

"I am so getting you something! Are you kidding?

Allen hummed contently as he considered his response. "I don't need gifts, Spencer," he said. "I'm perfectly happy with what I've got."

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Where had Allen rushed off to? Alex needed the car keys from him. Allen had mentioned something about going to Spencer's place after school (of course), so he'd catch a ride with Spencer. If he still had the keys to the Ford, Alex would be left stranded. He had some time, of course; the first bell hadn't even rung yet, but it if he didn't get the keys now, he'd undoubtedly forget about them.

He was probably with Spencer. No, he was definitely with Spencer. If only he could remember where Spencer's locker was; chances were that's where they'd be. The lockers were ordered alphabetically by last name. What was Spencer's last name? Gabriel? No, Gabrielson. Good, that was nearby; he'd just left from his locker in the L's and was heading up the alphabet. He was probably in the I's by now.

Sure enough, he saw his twin and Spencer not far ahead. They were locked in a hug.

Alex scoffed to himself. Why didn't they have the sense to act less gay around others? Alex didn't care how often they hugged in private, but right now everyone in school could pass by and see them acting like total fags. Alex did not want to be known as 'the fag's twin brother'. He'd never live that down.

As he came within earshot, he heard the soft conversation they exchanged.

"This really is too much, Allen," Spencer was complaining. The dark haired boy drew away a little to look Allen in the eyes. "You didn't have to do all this!"

"It's your birthday," Allen protested. He lowered his voice as he went on, and Alex had to strain to hear. "What kind of boyfriend would I be if I just got you some crappy, cheap gift? That'd be worse than no gift at all!"

Alex stopped in his tracks, staring at his twin. He must've heard wrong; there was no way that was right. Allen couldn't be Spencer's boyfriend, because Allen wasn't gay. If he was, Alex's jokes at his expense wouldn't be funny. He knew he'd heard Allen say something about 'boyfriend', though. What else could that mean?

"You'd still be the best boyfriend ever," Spencer insisted, voice a little louder than Allen's. "You're the best no matter what."

Alex knew he'd heard that right. Even if he hadn't been sure, his suspicions would've been confirmed just a couple seconds later as Spencer pressed a kiss to Allen's cheek. The blonde blushed and smiled sheepishly, bringing a hand up to run his fingers through Spencer's hair. They stared at each other peacefully, smiles wide.

He knew that look. Megan often looked at him the exact same way.

Car keys forgotten, Alex turned and ran. This couldn't be happening! Allen could not be gay! It… it was wrong! It was against everything they'd been raised to believe. Allen wouldn't betray his family like that, and he certainly wouldn't betray Alex!

Or would he? What about all the mean things Alex said to him; all the insults to his intelligence and his looks, the name calling, the gay jokes…. Was this his fault? Was Allen trying to get back at him for what a terrible brother he was? How would he feel if Allen was that mean to him? Not that he was especially nice anyway, but Alex tended to be ruthless when he taunted him. If Allen were like that to him, he'd want revenge too, and if he got a relationship out of it, all the better.

This was going to tear their family apart. His parents would hate Allen for this, and it was all Alex's fault! He didn't want to hate Allen; Allen was his brother. He loved him, even if he never acted like it. If he sided with Allen, though, his parents would kick him out of the family too. There was no way Alex would be able to take that.

What was he going to do? He had an obligation to tell his parents; they had a right to know, but what would happen to Allen if he was discovered? There was no way his parents would react well, and he didn't want them to hurt Allen. Should he just talk to him instead? Convince him to tell him everything so Alex could understand him better? No, Allen wouldn't tell him anything.

He couldn't just ignore this, could he? How could he face Allen now that he knew what he was? He wished he could say he was accepting of his brothers decision—revenge driven or not—but he didn't know if this was true. Homosexuality was a sin, after all, and Alex's opinion of it didn't have to change just because his brother was a homosexual.

Could this one difference really change Alex's opinion of his brother, though? Would he really go to Hell just for being tolerant of his brother's sexuality?

This was impossible! There was no right answer! It was either betray his brother or betray his parents and his religion; that choice wasn't fair in any sense of the word.

He slowed down as he reached his locker, heart pounding as he rested his back against it. He tilted his head back, ignoring the sharp pain that resulted when his head connected with the locker's metal door. Teeth clenched tightly and eyes squeezed shut, he tried to tame his racing thoughts.

He just had to ignore it. He had to forget everything he'd seen and heard, and think of Allen as he'd thought of him before: as his brother, no matter what. Ignorance was bliss. Slowly, his heartbeat started to steady itself, and his breathing evened out. His sprint down the hall had left him feeling shaky.

"Uh, Alex?" A familiar voice suddenly tore through Alex's train of thought.

His eyes shot open, and he was faced with the last person he wanted to see.

"I don't know what kind of mental breakdown I'm interrupting, and I apologize for cutting it short, but you're gonna need these." Allen held out the car keys.

Tentatively, hand trembling, Alex reached out and took them. "Th-thanks."

Allen looked like he was about to turn away, but he hesitated, surveying his brother. "What exactly's going on?"

Alex's eyes widened. Oh, God; what now? How could he get out of this? "Nothing," Alex fibbed, aware of how pitiful his attempt at dishonesty was. "I just… I saw something surprising. That's all."

Allen raised an eyebrow. "Right. Well, seeya."

With that, his twin walked off, picking up his pace as the first bell rang. He fell in beside Spencer, and the two exchanged a grin.

Alex's stomach did a back flip.

The rest of the day was no easier. All Alex could think about was his discovery, and it upset him more and more every time it came up. He'd probably gotten a terrible grade on his Lit assessment because of his distraction, Megan thought he was mad at her because he was too nervous to talk to her, and he was pretty sure his friends thought he'd gone crazy. At least he hadn't had to sit next to Allen on the drive home. He didn't think he could've stood up to that.

He relaxed a little once he got home, but any semblance of calm was destroyed just as soon as Allen walked in the door. He was cheerful, just as he always was after hanging out with Spencer (suddenly that made sense), and every time he looked over to see his brother grinning like an idiot, Alex thought he might lose his mind.

This was why he never kept secrets. They freaked him out. Especially secrets he wasn't supposed to know.

But why wasn't he supposed to know? He hadn't even thought of that until just now. Allen had been hiding from him. He didn't want Alex to know what he was. Allen couldn't trust him now? His own brother couldn't trust him? Why not? What had he done wrong? Was it the jokes? Had they made Allen think Alex was homophobic? He wasn't, though. Should he tell Allen that? But then Allen would know that he knew, and then he'd just get mad at Alex, and things would only get worse.

This was ripping him apart.

He peered out of the living room, giving him a good view of the front room. Just as he expected, Allen was sitting on the couch across the room, nestled in its far corner, sketchbook in hand. A calm smile was still adorning his face.

As he watched him, another question struck: could Allen really feel the same way about a man as Alex did about his girlfriend? Was it really possible? Alex couldn't even begin to imagine it. Did its oddness make it wrong? Alex wasn't sure. Even if it did, though, Allen was still his brother, and nothing could ever change that. He couldn't let himself think any less of him for it.

He wandered across the room, settling down on the closer side of the sofa. Allen spared him a quick glance, simply registering his existence, before returning to his sketching. Alex leaned over, trying to see what his brother was drawing.

Allen shot him a glare. "Can I help you?" he growled, adjusting the book so Alex had to crane his neck to see what Allen was working on.

It was Spencer, of course. Alex wasn't sure why he hadn't just assumed that. His heart dropped a little more.

His brother continued to glower, but let Alex examine his work anyway.

"I wish I could draw people the way you can," Alex whined. Perhaps envy would cover up the terror and confusion he couldn't quite suppress.

"Who needs to draw people when they can draw cars like you can?"

Allen's complement didn't lift his spirits.

"I just think it would be awesome if I could draw Megan," Alex admitted. Talking to Allen was only making things worse, but he needed to practice this if he was ever to treat him normally again. "You draw Spencer all the time, and he always gets so excited when you show him. All I can draw for Megan is that Camaro she likes so much."

Allen just shrugged and continued to work, focusing on working texture into Cartoon-Spencer's hair.

Alex kept watching him, hoping the unease he now felt around him would fade if he got used to its source. No luck. Looking at his brother only brought back the images burned into his memory earlier that day: Allen in Spencer's arms, gazing up at the other boy with all the love in the world, grinning broadly as Spencer gave him a kiss on the cheek. His brother had all but admitted that he was as gay as they came, and Alex just couldn't come to terms with it.

His thoughts continued to race as he examined his brother. He thought of what this would mean for him—did it mean he was likely to be gay, too, since a close relative was? Was that how it worked? He thought of what people would think if they found out, both of Allen and of Alex. They'd tease Allen to the ends of the earth, of course; they'd probably terrorize him until he snapped. What about Alex, though? He was a fag's twin brother. They would assume the two were exactly the same.

What would Megan think?

At the thought, Alex's heart lurched. What if Megan was so disgusted by his brother that she left him? What if Megan scorned him for being related to such a freak?

This was going downhill all too quickly. He had to get away from his brother. Now.

He feigned a yawn, not caring in even the slightest that it looked just as fake as it was.

"I'm exhausted," he whimpered. "I'm just gonna go to bed now."

Allen didn't even glance at him. "You do that."

Without another word, Alex climbed from his seat and did his best to keep from sprinting over to the stairs. He took them two steps at a time, leaving him out of breath by the time he'd reached the second floor. His heart pounded in his chest, provoked by both his sprint and the panic he couldn't seem to fight back.

This was never going to get any easier, was it?