Barriers: Chapter Two

^{Theme 63 (Do Not Disturb) of the 100 Themes Challenge}

The rest of the schoolday was painful. They shared many classes, so it was impossible to avoid each other. It didn't help that they sat next to each other in almost all of the classes they shared.

Every time he looked at Allen, all Spencer could think about was kissing him. It was pathetic, he was sure; he'd never thought about kissing Allen this much before it actually happened, so why should he be so hung up on it now? Probably because it had been amazing.

Waiting at home for Allen to show up was even worse. Not a second passed that Spencer wasn't worried that Allen wasn't going to show; that he'd just said he'd come over to get Spencer off his case, and had no actual intentions of doing so.

He sat in the living room, staring out the window, waiting for Allen to drive up in the car he shared with Alex. He was curled into a loose ball on seat nearest the front window, arms wrapped around his knees, head pressed to the arm of the chair.

What would happen if Allen never showed?

He squeezed his eyes shut, as if that would blind him to the thought as it would the world, only to let them shoot back open as he heard a car engine. He sat up abruptly to get a good look at the road, hoping to see the boxy, beige Ford that would announce Allen's arrival. No such luck; the car, a black Chrysler, drove right past.

Spencer sighed as he settled back down, pushing his face into the off-white leather of his chair. That was the fourth false alarm he'd gotten all excited over.

"Waiting for something?" his mother suddenly questioned.

Spencer straightened again. "Allen said he was going to come over to study," he told her.

She smiled, making the wrinkles around her mouth and eyes more obvious. "You really have no patience when it comes to that boy. He's never stood you up before, has he?"

"No," Spencer admitted, still pouting.

"Then chances are he'll be here. Quit your worrying."

"Wish I could," Spencer murmured.

His mother patted him on the shoulder. "Sorry. It's not my fault; you get that from your dad."

Spencer got most things from his father. His brown hair and eyes, his facial structure, his worrisome nature; he didn't look a thing like his mother, who had tawny hair and hazel eyes, and he barely acted like her either. It was his sister, Allison, who took after their mother.

It was too bad Ally was off at college; he was sure she would've been able to help him figure out his feelings for Allen. That would've saved so much trouble.

His mother wandered off, leaving Spencer on his own again to keep mulling over his doubts.

It was half an hour after school had ended before Allen's Ford finally rolled into the driveway. Spencer leapt from his seat and sprinted across the room to open the door for him.

"Hey!" he called while Allen was still a few yards from the door.

Allen picked up his pace to meet him. "Hi. Sorry, I would've been here sooner, but Alex wanted the car, too. It took a while to convince my parents that I needed it more." He shot Spencer an apologetic smile.

Spencer just grinned back at him, relief still coursing through him.

"It's kind of cold out here," Allen remarked after a few seconds of simply standing there, waiting for his friend to move. "Are we going to go inside, or—"

"Oh! Yes, yes of course." Spencer shook his head to clear his daze, then grabbed Allen by the hand and quickly led him through the door. "Sorry, I was just… thinking."

Allen's only response was a light giggle.

Spencer set a brisk pace as they started up the stairs. The sooner they got to his room, the sooner they'd be able to talk. The sooner they spoke, the sooner everything would be worked out. Behind him, he heard Allen huffing and trying to keep from stumbling, but he didn't let that slow him down.

He let go of Allen's hand as he raced down the hall to his room, and the blonde boy staggered after him.

"We've got time, y'know," Allen said between pants as they stopped abruptly at Spencer's door.

Spencer shrugged before swinging the door open. "Doesn't mean we should waste it."

Allen made a beeline for the bed as Spencer stepped aside to let him through, flopping down on his back, causing the frame to give a metallic creak of protest and the teal sheets, previously perfectly flat, to dip and wrinkle beneath him.

"Oh, please," Spencer scoffed, shutting the door behind him. "It wasn't that bad."

Allen laughed, though Spencer had a feeling it was without humor. Tilting his head to the side, he pouted at Spencer.

"Don't look at me like that," Spencer grumbled, dragging Allen up by the arm.

The blonde stayed limp as Spencer pulled him into a sitting position, thumping his head against the wall dramatically once Spencer released him. Spencer snickered at the sight: Allen slumped against the wall, eyes nearly closed, glowering at him; trying to look absolutely exhausted.

"If you're trying to make me feel bad, it isn't working," Spencer informed him as he settled down beside him.

Allen's glower disappeared, leaving a knowing smile. Pretending to fall over in his exhaustion, he slid down the wall to lean against Spencer, resting his head on his shoulder. Spencer swung his head around, bending down so his cheek was pressed to the top of Allen's head.

"So," Allen started, wrapping his arms around Spencer's waist. "We've got to talk now?"

"Mmhm," Spencer hummed, pulling Allen even closer. His hand lingered on his friend's back, stroking softly.

"This is gonna be awkward, isn't it?"

"Very."

Wincing, Allen straightened a little, sitting up so their foreheads were level. "Great."

Spencer sighed and removed his hand from Allen's back. Following his example, Allen sat up even more, and his arms left Spencer's torso. He cracked his knuckles, drawing a dull snap from each finger before tucking his hands behind his back.

"I think we should figure out the good things first," Spencer decided.

Allen's brow furrowed. "What do you mean?"

"Like, uh, t-the reasons we should… be a-a couple." Spencer struggled over every word, stammering and pausing as he tried to figure out the best wording.

"Ah. That sounds reasonable, I think." Allen held Spencer's gaze with more confidence than Spencer had felt the whole day.

Anxious, his gaze shifted to his lap. Not even five minutes into the conversation, and he was already too nervous to look Allen in the eye. This did not bode well. "Maybe I said that wrong," he muttered. "I mean, do we want to be a couple? Do we know that for sure?" He let their eyes meet for a split second before focusing on some point beyond Allen. "That's what we feel like, right?"

"What? That we should start dating? Is that—" Allen whipped around, trying to see what Spencer was so interested in. "What are you looking at?"

He let his vision focus on his lap again. "Nothing. Keep going."

Though he eyed his friend curiously, Allen went on. "Okay. Is that what we're talking about here? Dating? I thought we were supposed to figure out what we were feeling for each other first."

"That would make sense, wouldn't it?" Spencer whimpered, a slight blush starting to color his cheeks.

Nodding, Allen raised his eyebrows.

"Okay then."

"I like you, Spencer," he admitted. "I really think— would you please look at me?"

Spencer's eyes shot up, meeting Allen's gaze guiltily. "Sorry."

Allen shook his head. "It's fine, I just didn't know if you were listening to me or not."

"I was," Spencer assured him. "You said you liked me."

"I like you," Allen repeated, "I really like you. I shouldn't, but, I just…." Letting his sentence dangle, he finished with a slight nod.

Carefully, Spencer reached for Allen's hand, which was now at his side, flat against the bed. Spencer covered it with his own. "I've had a crush on you for over a year," he confessed.

"I know," Allen said with a grin. "You weren't very secretive about it."

Cheeks burning, Spencer quirked an eyebrow. "Then why do we have to talk about it?"

"I wanted to hear you say it."

"That's not cool," Spencer grumbled, blushing furiously. "I was seriously freaked out about this, you know!"

Allen smiled even wider, and Spencer found his anger melting away. Allen wasn't generally what one could call beautiful, but Spencer had a tendency to forget this as soon as he smiled at him.

He looped an arm around his friend's waist, tugging him into his side. "Jerk."
Allen only laughed.

"So you just went on, letting me believe you didn't know?"

Allen rolled onto his back, resting his head on Spencer's thigh. "I thought you knew. What's so bad about me knowing you have a thing for me?"

"I… I dunno," Spencer sulked. "I thought you'd get mad."

"Seriously, Spencer? Who could ever get mad at you?"

With a content hum, Spencer bent down and pressed a kiss to Allen's forehead. The other boy sighed serenely, wrapping his arms around Spencer's neck as he pulled back up, dragging Allen with him. Their faces weren't even an inch apart when they heard someone knocking at the door.

They sprang apart instantly.

"Yeah?" Spencer called out.

The door opened, and Spencer's mother strode through. "Ah, he is here."

"What?" Spencer questioned, eyes narrowed quizzically.

"I thought you were still waiting for Allen, but he's here, so I guess not."
"Yeah, he's been here for, like, ten minutes," Spencer informed her. "His car's in the drive; you coulda just looked there."

She rubbed at her chin, as if pondering this. "Didn't think of that." She stared at the boys for a few seconds longer before her brow suddenly furrowed. "It doesn't really look like you're studying," she remarked.

"Oh, right," Allen murmured. "We were supposed to study, weren't we?"

"I forgot, too," Spencer muttered. "Whoops."

Spencer's mother simply chuckled as she shut the door and walked away.
________________________________________

"You said you liked me," Spencer mused after the door was closed. "Do you like me enough to date me?"

The lighthearted mood Allen had managed to maintain dissipated almost instantly. "I don't… I think, maybe… I dunno."

Suddenly frowning, Spencer took his hand. "What's wrong?"

Allen flushed, considering pulling his hand away. "I don't really like thinking about this."

Spencer cocked his head to the side. This was questioning enough for Allen.

"I don't like to think that I might be gay," he mumbled, trying to suppress the shudders running through his body. He tried to meet Spencer's gaze, but found he couldn't. Just looking at the boy right now was confusing him in the worst way.

This was something that happened occasionally. Allen knew exactly what he was feeling for Spencer, had known for a while, but it was against everything he'd been raised to believe. He was torn between letting Spencer down, and betraying his beliefs. He always got over it quickly, and it rarely ever hit him in the first place, but when it did, he couldn't stand to be around Spencer.

"I just don't want to be gay," he admitted, scooting away a little. "I never thought I would be, but then, you, and I… I just don't know."

Would Spencer understand this? He sincerely doubted it. Spencer's parents were, for lack of a better word, hippies, so he'd grown up thinking that anything could be okay. That was the way they'd raised him. He had nothing to be afraid of; nothing to hold him back. Allen couldn't even fathom how much he wished it could the same for him.

Just as Allen had expected, Spencer seemed confused. His head was still tilted, and one of his eyebrows was raised. He nibbled at his lip, something Allen knew he only did when he was lost in thought.

"Does that mean you'd never want to be my boyfriend?" he inquired, eyes trained determinedly on Allen, barely betraying the terror that was undoubtedly attacking him.

Mixed emotions coursed through Allen at his friend's words. He could be Spencer's boyfriend. He could hug him and kiss him whenever he liked, they could hold hands without feeling weird, and they'd never have to have another conversation like this ever again. But that would make Allen gay, wouldn't it? Allen couldn't be gay. Not only would it be against his beliefs, but the family who'd raised him to think that way would never accept him.

But he wanted to love Spencer. It was what felt right; it was what would make him happy. He couldn't think of anything he wanted more. If only there weren't any consequences!

Allen didn't realize how long he'd kept quiet until Spencer ducked his head, brow knitted despondently. "That means yes," he murmured. "I'm really not good enough to change your mind?"

Allen gaped at his friend. "No; no, Spencer, it's not your fault, I just… I can't."

Oh, God; what had he done? He finally managed to meet Spencer's eyes, and the sheer heartbreak he saw in them nearly brought him to tears.

"I'm so sorry; I didn't mean that," he rambled. "I wish I could; I wish I could more than anything, b-but…."

Why did this have to happen?

What would his family think if he went through with it? Would they understand him and be okay with it, because he was their son? Or would their faith drive them to disown him? Could he risk that?

Why did he have to get like this now, of all times? If he'd just kept from thinking about this, he'd be perfectly happy right now, and so would Spencer.

"I don't know what to do," he whimpered.

Spencer's grip on his hand tightened, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Can I help you figure it out?"

"I don't see how anyone but you could help me."

"What exactly is going on?" he inquired. "What's so bad?"

"I don't know if you're worth it," Allen told him, and then immediately wished he'd thought it over better.

Spencer recoiled as if Allen had smacked him.

"That isn't what I meant!" Allen protested. "I've just got so much to lose, and I don't know what'll happen."

"How can I convince you that I'm worth it?" Spencer asked, though his eyes were narrowed and his eyebrows arched.

"I don't know," he sighed, looking away again. "Believe me, I really, really, want you to be worth it, but, if I go through with this, I could lose my family. They'd kill me if they found out I was gay."

"Alex calls you gay all the time," Spencer pointed out.

"That's different. He thinks he's joking."

"He's not?"

"Well, yeah, he is, but only because he doesn't know it's true."

"I'm lost," Spencer said, wincing and shaking his head. "So, now you are gay? Then what's the problem?"

"I can't be gay. I want to be; I really do want to be your boyfriend, I just don't know if I could take losing my family. I've let them down just by talking to you about this."

Spencer just sat and surveyed him for a few minutes, before suddenly lunging forward and forcing Allen into a hug.

Allen didn't protest; he snuggled into Spencer's chest, resting his forehead on his collarbone.

"I don't think I can turn you down, though," he muttered into Spencer's shirt. "I really want this."

"I want it too," Spencer whispered in his ear, nuzzling his cheek with his nose before letting his head settle on top of Allen's.

They had to pull away once again as Spencer's mother knocked on the door a second time.

"What?" Spencer groaned.

Spencer's mom swung the door open and examined the boys for a second. "You're still not studying."

"I'm sorry," Spencer grumbled.

The room basked in silence for a while as both parties stared at each other.

"Is that all you came in here to say?" Spencer prompted.

"No, but I'd like to know why you lied to me."

"We're just talking about stuff," Allen informed her. "It isn't like we're doing anything wrong."

"Okay," she granted, though her raised eyebrows betrayed her suspicion. "Are you staying for dinner, Allen?"

"Can I?"

"I don't see why not."

Allen shrugged and nodded.

"Alright," Spencer's mother said before closing the door again.

"How many more times is she gonna interrupt?" Spencer growled to himself.

"Probably a lot more now that she knows we're definitely not studying. My bad," Allen apologized.

"No big deal. What are we going to do about our other problem, though?"

"Mm," Allen hummed curtly, face falling. "That."

"Did you think I was going to forget about it that quickly?"

"I'd kinda hoped."

Spencer offered a sympathetic smile. "Too bad. How are you going to make up your mind?"

Allen frowned, holding Spencer's gaze for a moment before glancing away. "I don't know."

Spencer sat there and stared at him for a few minutes, chewing on his lip again. "I think I have an idea," he said eventually.

"Yeah?" Allen's eyes widened hopefully.

Spencer nodded, then reached out and grabbed his hand, simply holding it, rubbing circles over it with his thumb. "How does this feel?"

Allen narrowed his eyes. "Nice. What is this accomplishing, exactly?"

"No, I mean, like, mentally."

"I guess… it makes me happy? I dunno. We do this all the time. It just feels normal."

Spencer released his hand, then scooted so he was sitting right against him. After a few seconds, he put an arm around his shoulders. "How 'bout now?"

"Comfortable," he decided, leaning into the arm around his shoulders, letting his head settle on it gently.

Spencer tugged him a little closer. As Allen moved, he let his arm slide down so it was around his waist, instead. "Now?"

"I always like this." He huddled into his friend's side, sighing as his head settled against Spencer's chest.

Spencer wrapped his other arm around him, pulling him back into a hug. In turn, Allen snuggled closer and draped an arm over Spencer's stomach.

"You like this too, then?"

"Mmhm."

"Why?"

Allen's eyes, previously calmly half-lidded, eased all the way open again. "Because… it's you. I dunno. You're warm, and you smell good, and… it feels peaceful."

"Hm. Okay, last test."

Spencer nudged Allen's head up so they were on eye-level. Already having a good idea of what was about to happen, Allen leaned in, trying to keep from grinning as Spencer continued to stroke his cheek, then let his hand slide back to bury in Allen's hair.

Hopefully, Spencer wouldn't have to ask him what he thought this time.

Before Spencer had the chance, Allen tilted his head up and captured the dark haired boy's lips. A squeak of surprise from Spencer didn't slow him down; he took hold of Spencer's bottom lip, trapping it between his own and prompting the other boy to open his mouth. He leaned even closer, parting his lips further, snaking his tongue through to Spencer's mouth to keep him from shutting it. Spencer wasn't going to get away with a short, chaste kiss this time; Allen would see to it.

Another shocked whimper from Spencer, but nothing that sounded like a complaint. Egged on by his success, Allen took over the kiss, increasing his efforts when Spencer hummed contently.

Spencer's fingers ran through Allen's hair, ruffling it and pulling him closer. Finally mustering some courage, he ran his tongue along the one invading his mouth. The motion was slow and curious, almost cautious, but satisfying all the same.

Had Spencer never done this before? That would explain the short kiss they'd shared at school; he didn't know how much better this was. Perhaps Allen was teaching him something.

Before the kiss could go any further, they were interrupted by a sudden voice: "Now, I know this isn't studying."