I'm Going Slightly Mad: Chapter Fourteen

When he woke up, Lucas had left him a voicemail. This didn’t strike him as unusual. Though Lucas could get extremely angry, he could never stay that way, and was always eager to apologize, even if he didn’t need to.

“Aaron, I know I said a lot of things I shouldn’t’ve yesterday, and I feel terrible about it. I want to apologize, even though I know you probably won’t listen.” He chuckled nervously. “Uh, yeah. You aren’t just a kid. You aren’t stupid. And I’m sure you can take care of yourself, it’s just... I feel responsible for you for some reason, and I need to feel like you’re safe. I probably go overboard trying to keep you out of trouble. Even when it’s something really bad, these are things you need to learn for yourself. Coddling you won’t help at all, and I know that! I just can’t seem to... to trust you, as bad as that sounds. I’m afraid you’d try to take on too much, that it would all backfire, and you wouldn’t just end up hurt, you’d end up dead. I don’t know. God, I’m terrible with words. Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m sorry, and I don’t blame you for trying to punch me, though I would’ve been really pissed if you’d actually done it. Right, ah, goodbye.”

Aaron sighed and rubbed tiredly at his face. He felt terrible about all this. It was just a stupid fight, and he knew they’d be back to normal in no time, but that didn’t make it okay. He’d tried to hit Lucas-- his best friend! What kind of a person was he if he was totally okay with punching his best friend in the face? He would’ve let it evolve into a real fight, too. He would’ve kept going, would’ve punched and bit and kicked, and eventually, Lucas would’ve beaten him into the ground, and Aaron would finally be satisfied, even if most of his ribs were broken and he was bleeding internally. Because he was just a violent kid, and couldn’t handle his own life.

He winced and dialed Lucas’s number, hoping to God that his friend didn’t pick up. Much to his relief, the phone rang and rang and rang, and he was finally able to leave a voicemail.

“You didn’t have to apologize,” he started. “This was my fault, and you didn’t say anything that wasn’t true. Mostly. I maintain that I can pick my own friends, but that’s beside the point.

“I am just a kid. I know this, and I’m fine with it.” He took a deep breath. Lucas had won, he realized; he was actually going to think about it, for the first time in four years. “I’m just a kid, but I won’t be for much longer, and it scares me. That’s why I refuse to grow up: because I’m afraid to. I’m afraid of being responsible for myself, afraid of having other responsibilities, terrified of not having a safety net... just the thought of growing up... it horrifies me. It’s pathetic, I know, but I can’t help it. I’m afraid.

“I’m really sorry I tried to hit you. It was entirely uncalled for, and I feel so stupid about it. You’re my best friend, and I don’t want to hurt you, even if I try sometimes. Usually, I’m just lashing out because I’m afraid again. I... I’m afraid of a lot, I guess. Cherish that confession, because you’re never hearing it from me again.

“As bad as I feel about what happened yesterday, I’m not going to stop hanging out with Miles. If he still wants to hang out with me. I think you’re judging him too harshly because I’ve gotten so close to him so quickly, and I’m not giving up on him. I won’t make you two hang out together, though. That was a dumb idea from the beginning.

“So, yes. I am so sorry about yesterday, and I understand where you’re coming from. I have my own reasons for not growing up, I told you, and they aren’t easy to change. I know; I’ve tried.

Don’t exhaust yourself trying to fix me. Please,” he said, voice soft.

He hung up, hands shaking. That was his biggest secret: his fear of growing up, and he’d just revealed it, over the phone, at that. He didn’t even know why it was such a big worry of his; it was something everyone had to face, and most people took it so much better than he did. But it scared him more than anything else, no matter what he did to try to soften the blow, and he just wasn’t sure how to fix himself.

This fear had been established a long time ago, but finding out about Caleb’s debt had only reinforced it. All things considered, Caleb should have succeeded. He was set up to win, with his great education and job. Aaron didn’t know what had gone wrong, but if it had happened to Caleb, it could happen to him, and that was truly terrifying.

***

Then it was back to work, to Aaron’s great dismay. Today, he was on the floor, organizing books again. At least alphabetization was something that came naturally to him. He was something of a neat freak, mostly when it came to organization, and had been known to spend hours reorganizing his apartment, his bookshelves, anything he could get his hands on. However, as a job, it wasn’t exactly enjoyable. It was better than working the register, though, so he tolerated it.

His knees and back hurt from kneeling to organize the books on the bottom shelves, and his arms and shoulders hurt from reaching for the ones on the higher shelves. The air conditioning had gone out a few days ago, and it was the middle of July, so it didn’t matter how many fans they set up, the store still felt like a kiln, and Aaron was sweating his ass off.

Today was just going to be terrible, and Aaron was fairly certain it couldn’t be redeemed.

He wiped at his forehead for what felt like the hundredth time this hour, and moved on to the next shelf, nudging the ladder over with his foot and climbing back up. He was dreading the day when he inevitably fell off the ladder. That was going to happen sooner or later-- he could be unbelievably klutzy-- and he was getting tired of waiting, paranoid. With his luck, one of his coworkers would just push the whole thing over. They all still seemed to hate him. It probably didn't help that he was always cold and snide to them, but he chose to ignore that.

He sighed and continued to work, until he heard someone approach him. He turned cautiously, clinging tightly to the ladder.

Miles stood behind him, looking nervous. "Um, hi." He wrung his hands together, staring at his feet.

Aaron smiled. Perhaps the day could be redeemed after all. "Hey! What are you doing here?" He jumped off the ladder, stumbling a little on the landing, but recovering quickly.

"I just..." Miles tucked his hair behind his ear. "Yesterday."

"Forget yesterday," Aaron waved a hand in an imitation of clearing the slate. "Lucas was just being paranoid. I told you he'd try to scare you off. Just don't listen to him, it's okay."

Miles finally met his eyes, seemingly astonished. "Oh. You aren't... you aren't mad?"
Aaron shook his head. "Should I be?"

"But, what Lucas said--"

Aaron held up a hand. "Lucas is crazy. You don't need to pay attention to him."
Miles chuckled nervously. "Well, ah, if you say so."

"Trust me. He's just a weird guy. I already talked to him about yesterday, and he apologized. And I won't invite you both over at the same time again. That was my mistake."

"So everything's fine?"

"Perfect," Aaron confirmed, trying to smile as sweetly as he could. "Don't worry about it."

Miles finally grinned and ducked his head. "Oh, good. That's a relief. I was really worried that you wouldn't want to see me again."

"No, no, of course I want to see you again," Aaron assured him. "I'm not angry, and I see no reason to be. As long as you're up to it, we're still friends."

Miles stepped up and pulled him into a brief hug, patting him on the back before withdrawing. "Thank you."

Aaron beamed. "It's really no problem."

Miles flushed. "Okay, um. I should let you get back to work before you get in trouble." He glanced at a couple of the other employees, who were lurking not far away, staring at them and whispering to each other.

Aaron cringed. He was going to get made fun of later, he just knew it. "Yeah, you're probably right."

Miles shuffled back reluctantly. "So, yeah. Bye!"

"See you later."

Miles nodded. "Definitely."

Aaron watched as he left, and was just about to get back to work when he heard his co workers gossiping nearby.

"Was that his boyfriend or something?"

"What? He's a fag?"

"Looks like one, doesn't he? All skinny and girly."

Aaron whirled around, scowling at them. "You gonna actually ask me or just whisper to each other?" he demanded.

The pair, Anne and Jackson, he recognized, gaped at him.

"Oh. Uh. We were just...."

Aaron crossed his arms. "No, that was not my boyfriend. No, I am not gay. And even if I was, I wouldn't want you idiots gossiping about it. You can get fired for harassment, you know," he pointed out.

Anne sneered at him, and they both walked away.

Good mood gone, Aaron stalked back to the ladder. He started up sharply, stomping his foot down on each rung until he missed one and hurtled back to the floor, landing on his back with all the breath gone out of him.

Well, at least he'd known it was going to happen. No, that didn't make it better at all.

***

Aaron was just about to go to bed when someone knocked on his door. With a groan, he finished changing into his pajamas and headed for the door, mussing up his hair a little to make it look like he’d already been asleep.

As it turned out, his visitor was Lucas.

“Oh.” Lucas’s brow furrowed. “Were you asleep?”

Aaron shrugged. “If I was, I’m not anymore.” He opened the door wider and waved Lucas inside.

“I really do feel terrible about yesterday,” Lucas said, watching nervously as Aaron collapsed onto the couch. “I know you said not to apologize, but I have to. I just get really angry when you refuse to listen to me.” He scratched at the back of his head. “I didn’t mean to jump all over you, but I lost my control, and once I lost it, I couldn’t get it back. I wasn’t calm again until this morning.”

Aaron yawned. “It’s really fine, Lucas. All this freaking out isn’t necessary.” He threw an arm over his eyes and snuggled deeper into the couch. “I shouldn’t have made you hang out with Miles. I knew it wouldn’t end well.” Another yawn, longer this time. “I think I’m just going to fall asleep right here.”

Lucas snapped his fingers in front of Aaron’s face. Aaron swatted at him ineffectively.

“Please take this seriously.” Lucas knelt in front of him.

Aaron nodded, then let his head list to the side.

“Do you understand why I try to protect you?”

“Because I’m too young and stupid to do it myself. I knew that before yesterday.”

Lucas shook his head. “Because you’re like a little brother to me, and I don’t want to see you getting hurt.”

Aaron rubbed at his eyes. “Well, that’s really sweet, but can I go to bed now?” He sat up, but Lucas pushed him back with a gentle hand on his shoulder. Aaron flopped back, rolling his eyes.

“Not until I know you understand.” Lucas sat down beside him.

Aaron rested his head on Lucas’s shoulder. “If you stay there, you will become my pillow.”

“Fine, just don’t doze off on me.”

“I’m definitely going to doze off. I have had such a long day--”

“Please listen, Aaron. Just for a few minutes. If I have to carry you to bed after, so be it, just listen.”

“Mmkay.”

“I don’t want to make you angry, or keep you from your friends, and I don’t do this just to prove I can. I only want to help you.”

“Thanks,” Aaron grunted.

“I’m not finished yet. I want to help you, but I don’t want to hurt you in the process--”

“Then don’t go mental on my friends,” Aaron instructed, hiding his face in his hands. “I don’t go around just befriending random people on the street. For the most part, I hate people. I wouldn’t introduce these people to you if I didn’t think they were good. You’ve gotta learn to trust my judgement.”

Lucas fidgeted. “Yeah, I guess that’s the thing.”

“I knew from the start that you had trust issues, but I didn’t think you mistrusted me, too.”

“I don’t mistrust you... per se, it’s just... you’re so young, and I know twenty isn’t that young, but it’s younger than me, and I guess it always seems exaggerated. And you’re still new here, anyway, and being new this close to New York City--”

“I’ve been here for almost three years, Lucas,” Aaron argued. “Miles pointed out to me the other day that I’ve even picked up the accent.”

“But you came here after living in the suburbs all your life, and I know your parents sheltered and spoiled you. Why else would you be so averse to K-Mart, of all places?”

“K-Mart’s crappy,” Aaron insisted. “Why go there when there’s a Von Maur not far away?”

“Exactly. Your parents spoiled you and coddled you, and now you don’t understand how the real world works. Do you watch the news?”

“Course not. It’s all murders and kidnappings, and I don’t wanna know.”

Lucas sighed. “This is exactly what I’m talking about. You think you’re still in Woodbury, and you’re really not. This is Yonkers, and we’re not even in the nice part of it.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Just because I’m only a traffic cop doesn’t mean I don’t know what goes on in other departments. It’s not pretty, and I don’t want you getting involved in it.”

Aaron frowned. “It’s that bad?”

Lucas laughed, but it didn’t sound humorous. “You can tell you’re close to Brooklyn, that’s all I’m gonna say. Why couldn’t you have gone to some university upstate? Isn’t your mother a professor somewhere up there? Why didn’t you stay where you were comfortable?”

“I may have been raised in the suburbs, but I’m a city boy at heart. My family went down to NYC once a year when I was a kid, and I always looked forward to it so much. I always wanted to live there, but my parents were never going to let that happen, so I settled for Westchester. I figure it’s close enough. I love it here!”

“You aren’t going to love it when you’re out of college.”

“I’m gonna be fine, Lucas.” Aaron patted him on the head, and Lucas looked at him as if he’d grown a third arm. He was just about tired to the point of delirium now, and patting Lucas on the head seemed to be the thing to do at this moment. “Can I go to bed?”

Lucas took a deep breath, and released it. “Yeah, I guess there’s not really much else for me to say.” He patted Aaron on the head, smiling. “Go get some sleep.”